Why? This is why
At a glance, this may look like another blog giving you advice on how to become more mindful. The difference here is that this is me. Completely raw, honest and totally open. I'm not sure this is a good thing, to be that open to 100’s of strangers and be completely exposed to judgement is a pretty scary thought but I want to share with you my hopes, dreams and passions and my journey to becoming the best version of me.
I don’t pretend to be an expert in any of these fields but I want to learn more and develop as a person. I hope that what I find out for myself can help and inspire people in similar situations to change their mindset and confront their demons.
Now I don't want this to be a self deprecating record of my life and make people feel sorry for me but to understand why I am doing this you may need to have an idea of where I've come from.
At age 12, my parents separated and the foundation from which I was brought up on began to crumble. Blame was thrown around and unfortunately on many occasions landed on my sister and I. A year later my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember this as if it was yesterday. Will never forget the look on her face. The look of someone that knows that their life isn't dictated by them any more but by the progression or regression of a disease. Relationships throughout the family were very strained and I escaped through playing any after school sports that kept me away from home as much as possible.
4 years passed and in the 5th year of my mums remission, the breast cancer had metastasized to her bones. Not long after this I moved in with my dad as home life became unbearable and yes, with this came so much guilt. Guilt that I couldn't cope when I wasn't the one with cancer. Living with my dad was a breath of fresh air. I started to realise how people were actually meant to speak to each other and I didn't dread coming home. I was able to start working on a relationship with my mum which was being made even more difficult by a manipulative male in her life who soon became my step dad. At age 18 my dad left me. Well this is what it felt like. The only real stable relationship I had in my life at that time was gone, to the other side of the world. I hadn’t seen him since visiting him when I was 19 and there was limited contact until an event that I’ll write about in a bit.
From then on my life was a bit of a blur. I forget the exact timeline of events but it includes my mum being diagnosed with lymphatic cancer and treatment being changed to palliative, mum marrying that horrid man that we all knew was just waiting for the inevitable so he could get his share of possessions and money, myself ending up having boyfriends that weren't good for me, going to university and trying to study, realising I was so depressed but putting it to the back of my mind as I had to be strong for my sister and gran and celebrating every mothers day, birthday and Christmas as a last for a number of years as my mums prognosis kept changing.
Then just before Christmas 2009 my mum was told the cancer had gone to her brain and was inoperable. 6 months later after so much pain and suffering my mum passed away. During that 6 months, every time I saw my mum she apologised. Apologised for dying. There are no words to describe how helpless I felt. I wanted so badly to take the pain away. It destroyed me to see her suffering the way she did. She wanted it to end and I understood that and when she eventually passed away, it was a relief. A relief for her to not be suffering anymore. No one in this world should go through that much pain and suffering. Lisa was the strongest woman I have ever and probably will ever know.
The funeral was the last time I saw my mom's husband. He married my mums palliative care nurse not even a year after my mums passing and continues to live in my mums house with her. At this time in my life I began a relationship with someone that helped me get through the initial stages of grief, anger, guilt and a range of other emotions I was dealing with, badly, as well as starting my Physiotherapy degree. But this came with its own range of issues. I totally lost myself and became overly concerned with making him happy at the detriment of both our sanity and my health. I lost count the number of times we split up but I think because of how I feel I failed my mum I had to make the relationship work, even if it mentally destroyed me. After 5 years of many ups and very bad downs in the last attempt to make it work we went to couples counselling, I left my home in Bournemouth and moved to London. A month later he ended it again.
11 months on I knew I became a different person. Something clicked after all these years and heartache. I realised that the only person who has the power to change how you think, what you feel and your response to external factors is yourself, no one else. Sure, people are very good at bringing you down but you can change that.
Beginning of December, 2015, I moved to Austria to work as a Physiotherapist for snow sports. The joy I felt at this time of my life was unexplainable. I couldn’t be happier. That lasted a month.
Early New Year's morning, 2016, I sled 50m off a Mountain and sustained life threatening injuries. More about what happened on that morning I’ve blogged about here https://www.beautyintragedy.com/single-post/2018/03/18/No-Accidents
There is an internal monologue present in everyone, but for me it has been destructive to the relationship I have had with myself and others. Even With the best will in the world it had been difficult to become different and will be an on-going process.
This is the reason for the blog. I want to document this process, to continue the journey to a better version of me. To be accountable for the goals and direction that I have chosen, whilst also having something to look back on, to remind myself how far I have come and the lessons I have learnt.
As well as developing myself, I hope that this helps others that have been or are going through similar situations and can't see a way out or individuals that are looking at changing their mindset.
I am here to tell you it can be done.
I promise you