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Falling upwards

My accident, 1st of January 2016, left me unconscious and because of my injuries, I was kept in an induced coma for about 2 weeks. During this time, a diary was kept for me by someone close. The next blogs will be of what was written while I was in hospital. I will also add my experiences from ‘the other side’ at certain points. I hope that it allows people to realise that there is so much more out there that we don’t understand. Enjoy x

Day 1 A: The last three months have been a whirlwind. To meet you and connect like we have is something I have searched for all my life. I have never met such a shining beam of light. Your energy is felt everywhere you go. Since I met you, I have felt a new higher ability to have a better understanding of life. I feel your heart and your emotions. We knew before we met this was it and you are the one. Even before speaking with you on the phone, that day three months ago, I could already picture our life together.

I am waiting to go into the intensive care ward and you are just the other side of the wall. At 4 AM this morning while at home in England, I woke suddenly and could not sleep. At 6 AM Anna called and told me you had a bad accident, you were in hospital and they weren’t sure how you were. No thought process took place. I had to get to Austria straight away. I had packed 12 hours earlier and I already had the 9 o’clock flight to Innsbruck on my phone ready to book because I had made the decision we are meant to be together and I was coming out to you. You have to pull through. We’ve got everything we need, now just get better please. Heal. Please be okay. I will not leave you before we have started. People thought we could do anything. I dream of you constantly. I connect to you from miles away. I know you are strong enough, brave enough and love enough so please pull through. I love you beyond words and I will never let you go. You make me feel twice the man I was before. The signs that we should be together are everywhere. I just called the nurse Matias and he says that your CT scan went well and they may try and wake you up tomorrow if you remain stable. Fingers crossed. At once I woke abruptly again. This time, with a different feeling. I felt calmer, we felt calmer. We have a very long road ahead of us but that is okay. Everything tells me that we are going to be okay. I will nurse you back to hundred percent and nothing less. As I lie here with my hands on my heart, I send my energy down the river Inn to the hospital where you lay. My energy flows into you. It combines with yours and you heal. You heal like never before. You do not stop healing. Your spirit fights and your love grows. Your heart is the strongest it has ever been. Don’t stop. keep fighting. Everyone is fighting with you. I will see you very soon x Me: At this point there was nothingness. No thought process, no consciousness, no dreams, no sound, nothing. It was as if I had never been or ever will be.

Day 2

A: I am waiting outside the intensive care unit with your sister and your Gran as they have arrived from England. They are beautiful just like you. They are so positive and bring me so much love. Your energy is strong. Collectively we are healing. We are committed to you fully and we will keep on going until you open your eyes. I am 100% committed to you Sam. There are no limitations to our life together. We can do this. No matter the challenge, we can and will do this. Time is ticking and you are still fighting. We all sent so much love earlier. I tell you how much I love you. The doctors say that you are doing well. You are stable and know that you are fighting to be better. If you continue to be stable, they will try to wake you up soon. I will be there if I can. You will Stay calm and all will sink in slowly. Just be still. My world is now your world. We are in this together. We are now waiting in the neurological institution again. The emotions in this room are palpable. Six or so other people are also waiting to see their family members with red eyes and damaged looks their faces. We all have an expression of understanding to one another. They’ve all seen you and they all know that you are a beautiful, powerful person and they sense my power and love for you. It is impossible not to love you. I’ve pared your hand on my hand on your chest, feeling you breathing relentlessly and heart beating for me and for your injured bones and your poorly damaged brain. I hope you can wake up soon. I hope you will remember. I hope you will remember me and how in love we are. You have to remember that you are at the peak of your life. You are so happy. You spread the joy of life to everyone you meet. You will continue to do this. I spoke to my friend about what’s happened and how amazing and incredible you are and that we belong together. I told my family. I’ve told everyone that right now my life is with you that your heart is my heart. My friend told me to visualise and explicitly tell you out loud in detail where we will be in the future. I am visualising us at our apartment in St Anton. You are still in bed and I am making the coffee from the cheap but brilliant little espresso machine. The Sun is blazing through our window as it always does. Spring is clearly on his way. I bring you coffee and you welcome me back to bed with a big smile. You realise the coffee is to hot, so you put it down and just lay in my arms. We know that you must rest lots still but that is ok because we don’t need to do much if we have each other. I’ve just seen you again. The nurses looking after you are so kind. They are young, bright and healthy looking. They know how special you are. They will slowly be reducing the amount of sedation, 0.1 ml per hour less. The first thing is you will open your eyes but you will be dreamy. Eventually you will breathe on your own and then swallow on your own then you will be moved to intermediate care. I’ll be your side every step of the way. The nurses and doctors keep saying that you are young and strong. They are correct. The strongest. The energy they give is incredible. So to lighten the day, my Land Rover has been towed away as we parked in a taxi rank, facing the wrong way outside of the hospital. The tow company wouldn’t let us go as I did not have the paperwork. Your Gran loved it. I think you did this. I am now back in bed. Today has been very strange. You are improving. Slowly, but improving. You have more colour. I love being by your side even though you are so badly hurt and is quite a disturbing picture of you. I love seeing you. I kiss your hand constantly. I hold you and talk to you. I told my family today and they are behind us. They respect my decision. Two more ladybirds turned up today. One on the lighter that your sister had. Then when I went to the wrong flat at Louise place, I knocked on the door, what was I standing on? A ladybird doormat! Clearly a classic tirolean symbol. I will try to sleep now. I’ll see you in my dreams. I love you so much. Be strong.

Me: Right now, even will all the will in the world from those closest, I was still in complete darkness.

Day 3

A: It’s bad. You didn’t wake up. We must wait and you must fight. They’ve let me come in out of hours to sit with you. I could not stay away. I’m so scared Sam. All they keep saying is that you need time. You will wake up when you’re ready.

Your coma is categorised as grade 3 on the Glasgow coma scale which is the most severe. They had hoped you would wake up after the sedation had stopped but you didn’t. The nurse tells me that it varies depending on the individual and it can be the same amount of time again before it is out of your system. I look at you and I just know that you will be trying to open your eyes. Please do it for me. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve been singing in your ear. I hope you can hear it and feel me. Things seemed so positive yesterday but are different today. More scans show you have brain damage to several, main parts of your brain. The Dr said that this can vary from “very bad to ok” whatever that means but we will only know more when you wake. As long as you come through, I will look after you however I can, for as long as I can. Please don’t let me down. Keep fighting. Your brain can heal just like anything does. You just need to keep fighting. I will keep talking to you. I love you. The nurses have let me bring a couple of special people in my out of hours visit. Israel Kamakawiwoʻole and Wilson Phillips. They have both sung to you and I’m sure you heard them. You will probably sing along to “hold on”. I’ve never wanted to hear someone sing so much. You sang you all the way through Germany on the way to the mountain. You kept me sane. I just love your voice. I love you and your spirit gives me everything. Please come back. Mangla and Maria are your nurses today. They are both awesome. They are so diligent and professional. You are in great hands. I’m back home in bed at Louise’s apartment. Today was a tough day but you have fought hard again. My heart is aching for you. Me: There was still nothing. At this point I still don’t know where I was or if I was ever going-to be. I thought I would explain more about the 2 “special guests”. Wilson Phillips was a band I would continuously sing to on the drive to Austria from England. “Hold on” is one of my favourite ever songs and know all the words. Israel Kamakawiwoʻole was one of my mums favourite singers when she was alive so would play his version of “somewhere over the rainbow” all the time.

Day 4

A: I woke up singing Wilson Phillips. I can only ever remember the chorus but it works. Louise put it on the TV and they are singing from a mountain in the video!

So I called Mandel at the hospital and he told me that use are slightly better. You moved your right leg, hips and head from side to side. Your eyes are still closed but hopefully they will open soon. Stay strong baby. You are fighting.

Your dad will be here Wednesday. It is Monday morning.

I am back at the hospital. They are allowing me to visit you at out of hours again. I think they realise how much I love you and that I’m bringing even more energy.

Sam, I am shaking! The doctors say you open your eyes and that things are looking better. I can’t believe it. Still be strong baby.

Still shaking. It is 2:30 PM and you are trying so hard to wake up. Typical fashion with your persistence to do things quickly. The nurse sent us out because you were so active. You moved almost everything and you are trying to open your eye.

The moment this all began, was seconds after we played you "somewhere over the rainbow". You gripped my hand shortly before. It sent my heart racing. Your beautiful, loving, hand. It was so distinct. I felt you. I felt your love.

After the song, you began to move your legs. You bent them right up. Then you’re left hand to your face. Then you tried to lift your head from the pillow. You are amazing. Now rest up and go slow. Just a little at a time is fine by me.

“The signs are everywhere”. I was saying this out loud on my way down the street this morning. I was expecting to see another sign. Then I recalled a line from your book 'you see them when you stop looking and become more aware, more conscious' or something similar, so I stopped looking.

After our spectacular visit, on the way back down the same street, your sister gasped "oh my God' sure enough, on the wall, a great big photo of a baby dressed as.... you guessed it, a ladybird! I have a picture. Also talked to Dr Vernan, the beautiful human being that told me some good news. Gave me a piece of paper. The honorary British Consult from the British Embassy called to offer his assistance. I believe you were also on the news. We will visit him when you are better.

Your sister, Gran and I, are feeling much more positive following your response earlier. Although still incredibly serious, your condition is better now that you are trying to wake up.

I can’t help but daydream and I have been saying them to you. About the things I have written in this book. That I’m committed to you. About how I will never leave you. Another day done. The girls are sending their love. Jade is pushing so hard for you. She climbed down the cliff that the rescue team needed ropes for. She climbed down on her own to save you. We all love you see. Now you rest up.

Day 5

A: It is 4:30 AM, ish, my thoughts are always with you. My mind barely rests. My heart never rests and will never rest. I wonder what you are doing right now. I can still feel you and I know you are frustrated with this fight. You can hear and feel me. You want me to know this and I do. I also know that you love me and have been fighting for our future. If you are awake, you rest now. I will channel soothing energy down the river Inn from my heart once again. See you soon. So we are back in visiting. I feel so anxious today. I am physically agitated to see you. last night, I didn’t sleep much. I meditated for an unknown period. Again, the energy channelled through me. The path it travelled was so distinct. Along the roads of Innsbruck, surging upstream through the boiling waters of the river Inn, over the bridge into the hospital. Up the stairs through the familiar doors and the powerful, soothing, orange electric light surged into the souls of you feet and your palms. It entered your body, covered your heart and channeled up your neck and washed over your brain. This happend over and over again. I picture the flow washing over the damaged areas, giving life to the damaged tissue, giving nutrition to the broken bones. The flow allows the pressure to ease. You breathe out the heaviness and you feel lighter. This went on for quite some time. When I drifted off, I would whisper “I’m still connected Sam”. It was like we were following the same sleeping patterns. I felt you like I’ve been feeling you all along. The same way I’ve had a pressure headache since New Year’s Eve before this all happened. The pressure has gone now. It’s time for evening visit again. At lunchtime the doctors told us that you were doing very well. You took a breath alone and you responded to commands when asked to move your arms and legs. Dr Verana asked us to tell you to practice swallowing. Despite being re-sedated because of the removal of brain sensors, you tried to swallow! You can hear us! You can hear me! I must’ve told you that I love you a thousand times. Things are little better baby. Rest when you need to. Fight when you can. Your gran has said all along that you wake up on Wednesday. That is tomorrow. Tomorrow your dad arrives. When we visit you we take in terns to go in as it is two at a time. I tend to wait as I think it will be more comforting to see your Gran and sister before seeing me. Just a moment ago a different nurse led me in and I think I heard her say you’ve been opening your eyes but now you are sleeping again. This is such good news and such a relief that you are heading in the right direction. Every time I come here I cannot wait to get in that room to see you but we always have to patiently wait. Put on our plastic aprons and to scrub our hands without alcohol gel. Louise read your blog and says that you are an amazing writer. I agree. You will also have plenty of material after all of this has past. I am praying for the moment you look at me and say “hello”, I’ll probably pass out. I’m waiting to go in now. Dr Vernon just popped out. She has had a good day and she says you also have had a good day. So good in fact, are you responding to her and when asked, you stick your tongue out. They have had to sedate you again as you were trying so hard to get up but it’s a bit too stressful for you at the moment. Dr Vernon says that on Thursday you should be on the right dose so you can breathe on your own. You you are amazing. You are coming back to me. This visit was incredible. You opened your eyes and looked clear at me. It was amazing. You could see me. I just knew it. You didn’t want us to go and you were fighting to wake up so hard. You just be patient now. You are really coming back to life now. I cannot wait until our visit tomorrow. After I left you we all hugged. Your sister is buzzing. I didn’t write earlier but the first night I drove back from STA to visit you again I cried a lot and though every tunnel I felt a massive surge and I screamed. I begged the mountains to save you. I begged them not to take you. Rest now and I’ll see you tomorrow. Kerrie: flew out on the 2nd to be with you Sam. Gran is with me and we are sending you so much energy and positivity to get you better. I’m currently sat in the waiting room of the ward while Alex and gran are with you. You are so strong Sam. You’re the strongest person I know. All the doctors and nurses can’t wait to meet you. I don’t think it will be long now. You are doing so well. The ventilation will be down very soon and you’ll be able to breath on your own once again. The monitor has been removed as they are no longer concerned about he pressure in your head. Dad gets here tomorrow morning. It takes him 2.5 days to get here but he can’t wait to be with you. Just keep fighting Sam. We all know you can do it. All your friends are sending so much love and they look forward to speaking to you soon. I miss you so much Sam and can’t wait to talk to you. There is so much I want to say. You’re a real life sleeping beauty. I’m glad I’m being made to write in your diary because it’s something I really want to get into but it scares me for some reason. Been out in the town today and had a lovely meal with gran in a place called orangerie. You would really like it there. We will all have to go when you’re better. I keep seeing ladybirds everywhere! Bought a little China pig with one on the side, very strange because earlier Alex told me he called you his mountain pig!! Got you a little glass ladybird which I will leave for you when they let me in to see you. So eager for you to open your eyes and look at us for the first time. Gran is sure it will be tomorrow but you take your time. I will be here until you do. Love you always your little sis.

Me: This is the day my sister Kerrie started writing in the diary as I think people said it would help her process things better. I don’t think she knew that I had opened my eyes as she was outside waiting her turn to see me. I feel such a massive sense of guilt reading this back. Kerrie had already been through so much. Our mum being ill for 13 years then passing. My dad leaving to live on the other side of the world and both of us not seeing or speaking with him much for 12 years and on top of everything, he was arriving the 6th January.

Day 6

A: So I’ve just met your dad. He is a good one. His energy is nice. You have his eyes. The nerves are very high but this is good. This is a massive day. We’ve been sitting waiting and he has just gone in with Kerrie. She is being so strong. Today you must be smooth and calm. You’ll be waking a little bit more. It doesn’t matter if you do not remember much, it only matters that you continue to improve. I have been worried whether you will remember me. Speaking to Jade this morning, I said to her, “if not, it doesn’t matter. I will fall in love with her all over again”. So we may have to go on dates and have our first kiss. This is all fine by me but hopefully you would have felt my love and remember me. I can’t wait to see you in a few moments and whisper to you. I know you can really hear me. All my love is with you. You were so brave earlier. Definitely trying to swallow when I asked you. Your dad did very well also. He’s obviously very troubled with this situation and the past that you’ve all had to endure. Anyway baby, I keep smelling you. There is part of the seatbelt in the car that is you. You looked much better earlier. Your face is returning and your eyes are less swollen. The nurses always seem pleased and I’m beginning to read each ones demeanour. I can tell which ones are more restraint with the news and which ones giveaway that they know you are going to pull through. All of them are lovely though. So I’m waiting alone as your family are going to get a taxi. It’s kind of them because they can sense that I’m getting really tired. I slept this afternoon for a while and then showered. Walking from the car was strange, like I was going to pass out. Emotions change when ever I lead up to seeing you and it’s quite draining I guess. However I’m good, I’m strong, and I’m ready to see my Sam again. Everyone is still sending their love from far and wide - from the Royal Free, from Bournemouth, from the ski resort, from everywhere. When you are back up and running, we will have a big get together and I can meet all of these amazing friends of yours. The “boom” group has been very supportive to me also. The messages take time to read they are relentless. I’ve started to think about the summer baby and how we can have the perfect situation. I think I have a nice plan as long as you don’t need any specialist help with rehab. If that is the case, then we can arrange that also. I’ll make sure everything is taken care of. I’m going to read some of the Celestine Prophecy now. It helps a bit. You were really sleepy on this visit. They gave you some drugs to keep your blood pressure low as again, you are excited. When the nurse took it away, you moved a bit more. I can’t wait for the moment when I walk in and see your eyes open and you can hold my hand normally. I think I’ll probably cry, a lot. I come away a bit flat tonight. I think it is because I expected a big jump again like yesterday. I must remain patient. You are not quite ready yet and the doctors are being super cautious. We don’t want any setbacks. Anyway, it’s going to be my birthday in two days time. This all becomes clear, that you are going to be okay. The girls are all still cheering you on.Anna, Jade and I are very tired, emotionally more than anything. The sleep is not as restful as it should be. It snowed a little bit today and it made me think how excited you would be. You will be again soon I’m sure. Sam come back. Kerrie: here again Sam. I can’t wait to see you. Dad is with me today. It’s so nice to see him after all this time. I think he’s currently fuelled by coffee as he has only had 2 hours sleep in 3 days. Very anxious but can’t wait to see you and give you all the support you need. My nights sleep wasn’t so good. Gran kept me awake with horrendous snoring. It was worse than Rich. Just let dad and Alex come and see you. Myself and gran have just come out. You are so strong Sam. You get better every time we come to see you. All we need now is for you to be able to swallow and the tubes can come out. I know you’re trying every time we ask you. The nurses think you’re amazing. They are right. I hope you know I’m here. I think you do.

Me: So just few things to help with following whats going on. It was my dads first time seeing me. Not only in this condition but the first time in 11 years and he had flown from Adelaide in Australia where he lives. Jade and Anna were the two other therapists I was working in Austria who I was with that NYE. Jade climbed down the side of the mountain and found me.

The Royal Free is a hospital in London I was working as a physio in before moving out to Austria and I actually work there now as a physio.

The 'boom' group, is a group of girlfriends who I have a group chat on whatsapp with and have done for years. They were there the whole time, virtually, and have aways been there for me.

Day 7

A: It’s a beautiful day. I still cannot stop thinking about you. You are so precious to me and my world has stopped because you are hurt. A nice steady built today with strength gained please. I connected with you last night and we charged each other. I know you can feel it. I can see it so clearly. I even move with you. You are getting stronger but you are tired from the flight. Just a little bit more baby. I can still smell you and I am talking to you even when I’m not there. The sun rose above the mountains today and beamed into me as I channelled to you. We’ve got this Sam. Wow, well, that visit was dramatic. You appeared sleepy at first but quickly became quite active once you started to wake up. Your eyes are much wider now when you want them to be and swallowing is improving. Your left side is kicking but you’re right remain still. They are taking you for another CT scan to see if they are missing anything that may be causing the paralysis. When I speak to you and look into your eyes, you clearly are distressed. I know you are trying and you must be terribly scared. I keep whispering to be calm and you do tend to settle down. Not long now until you are more comfortable. Earlier on, in this book, you wrote to me. On my birthday you give me your mind, your soul and your heart. I want it so much. Seeing as tomorrow is my birthday, I expect big things. My friends Simon and Ben are out here from back home. They came to support me. I really appreciate them coming and they really do care. They give me something else to think about though when all I must focus my energy on it you. It just means a bit more driving on my own which is not ideal. I will make sure I look after myself though. The plan is to go up the mountain tomorrow morning for an hour or so then I will be back visiting. I will gather some power out there. Waiting again for the evening visit. It was interesting. There are different people coming to see their loved ones. Some gets upset, some are really strong and others are putting on a brave face. I bet they have seen a change in the last seven days. Today they would have seen us up beat, which is hard to imagine. I never ever thought I could be so low. Literally on the floor. Spoke with Anna today and she said “the only way to go is up” it isn’t until now that I really understand this. Even in total distress and extreme despair, you have brought me joy because you are showing more positive signs. My heart is still beating for you with as much love as I can muster. When this is all over, we will be one. Night visit. Your Gran just said goodbye before she flies home tomorrow. Wow, what a woman. Such strength. She loves you so much. She was in tears to leave you. She’ll be back when you are stronger. She loves you. My Sam. I am back at the apartment in our bed. It is so surreal being here with all of your beautiful things around me. I have got into your sideof the bed. I have two of your scarfs with me so I can smell them through the night. I have watched your videos that your friends have posted. I’ve looked at your 30th birthday book. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I am 34 years old.

Kerris: Back again. The four of us can’t wait to see you. Me, Gran, Alex and dad. Gran goes home tomorrow. I don’t think she really wants to but she can see that it is really making her memory worse. Different environment etc. You’re doing so well Sam. You opened your eyes and stuck your tongue out for the doctor when she asked. Tonight, we will have some CT results as you’re currently only moving your left side. They don’t feel that it’s related to any damage that was done when you fractured your skull but they just want to be sure. They hope to take the tubes out soon. I can’t wait to see you smile Sam. You must be so frightened. I wish I could take any pain or fear away from you that you might be experiencing, today has been a good day though. You’re getting better. Keep fighting Sam. You’re so strong, the strongest person I know. You have learnt that from mum. I love you so much. Your little sis.

Day 8

A: Well I haven’t written until the 7:30 PM visit and the reason being, Dr Vernon called me with ‘very good news’. Samantha Baynes, you came back! You pulled the tube from your throat, started moving more and you have tried to talk a little. I turned up at 1 PM after running from the train station through the cold streets of Innsbruck. When I saw you I felt so nervous. Your tubes were gone and you were sitting up more. Your breathing was very laboured and the nurse told me to tell you to try to cough which you tried. It’s hard and clearly frustrating for you but you’ll get there. The nurse asked if you’d like to being on your front. I asked you and the response was an earth shattering squeeze from your left hand to say yes. Kerrie: You’ve had such a great day Sam. I can see how frustrating and Scary this is for you but you’re doing so well. You pulled your tube out this morning. It must feel so much better being able to breathe on your own and move around freely in bed a bit more. It will all come in time. You’re the strongest person I know. I love you Sam. Your little sis.

Me: I still have no recollection of these events. Pulling out your own intubation tube is not the greatest idea.

I've been told since that because, at times, I was too active with my left hand and they were worried that I would damage my arterial line etc, they tied my hand down to the hospital bed to stop me but somehow I sat up, leant over and pulled the tube out.

Also, the reason I had to be lied onto my front was to assist the blood and secretions that were coming out of my throat and chest from the damage I had caused.

I am so glad that I do not remember this. The strange drug induced dreams I had were a mixture of reality and a distorted state of consciousness.

The unit I was in had about 4 other patients all within their individual contaminated sections with their own nurse.

I 'drempt' that I was their physio in St Anton and I was wondering the snowy streets trying to find them fancy dress clothes........

Day 9

A: I was so excited to see you. You are now in a special chair to lift you more. Your strength is reterning and you are fighting to get up, speak and move around. It’s going to take some time.

Its very hard to communicate and I can feel your frustration. I want to fast forward so much. It seems so exhausting for you and me also and I’m pretty low today despite your amazing fight and improvement. I can see that you are hurting and I want to fix it. Sam I love you and I wished this never happened but it has and we will conquer it.

I can’t stop watching your videos. You are so special and you fill my heart with love in this desperate time. We are going to be so happy together.

Evening visit now. I had a good sleep and I am now charged up to see you. I’m playing Haim 'my honey and I' song on repeat. As the words say that this song was meant to be for my honey and I, that’s you and me.

I hope that you are restful this visit and your throat can recover for a bit. Easier talking tomorrow. Once you can communicate with us, well maybe we can take the burden away from you.

I lost my energy connection with you this afternoon. I think that is why I was flat. It’s back now and you will feel it big time once I get my hands on you. You’re my Alberg princess.

You looked so restful and comfortable, finally. Mattias the nurse says that last night you hardly slept and you were having nightmares. I hate the thought of you being scared baby. I will do my very best to make sure that you don’t feel scared. Oh and earlier you gave me a proper kiss. It was beautiful.

Also when you were trying to tell us something and we couldn’t understand, you then picked up the pillow and started waving it because you wanted me to fan you. You’ve been getting so hot and are drenched with sweat often. Must be all of the drugs leaving your system.

You drift in and out of consciousness continuously and our clearly exhausted. It’s been 9 days of fighting now. I took in your trainers as they will start physio very soon and it’s good to feel something on your feet.

I left the hospital feeling so much more settled as I knew you were very sleepy. We reconnected and I beamed soft yellow energy into you and it flowed over your right side of your brain, then down your brain stem and through your right brachial plexus. It was soothing you. I could only get to your upper arm with my thoughts and only down the 4 of the 5 main nerves but I can see them and it will help.

You are so so bruised on your right side. It will come through. We are going to have to be patient. As soon as I can I will go on a course for this type of rehab and get some books. You will get better.

I’ve been thinking alot about us having a dog today. Wouldn’t that be great. We have lots ahead of us and I cannot wait to get you settled and comfortable.

Tonight is the first night I have been on my own. It’s ok. I feel settled like I said earlier. I have a good feeling about tomorrow. I’m going to see you in my dreams. I love you.

Kerrie: Great progression today. They sat you up in a special trolley that appears to get you in a much better position. Alex has bought in your trainers also at the nurses request as they hope to get you sat up on the side of the bed soon while your feet are on the floor.

You’re doing great sam. Your chest sounds so much clearer and you’re trying to talk a little. Co-ordination with your speech will come soon. I can see how frustrated you’re getting when you’re trying to voice something to us but that will come darling.

I know it seems so far away for you right now but you are doing so well.

Dad sends his love from over the road. He’s so sad that he cant come and see you while he is here but you will understand that he doesn’t want you to get his bug. He will see you very soon though. He’s here for a little while.

I’m sat by your side with Alex tonight while you sleep. So peaceful and relaxed. I’m here for you can even if you are not.

Me: I still don't remember any of this........I was so medicated. The reason I was sweating so much was because, as well as the drugs trying to come out of my system, I was reacting to the morphine I was being given because of the pain they were worried I was experiencing.

Day 10

A: I walked from the apartment along the river Inn to the hospital. I stopped low down on the bank and the moment I arrived a fish jumped right in front of me. I think it was a brown stout. This is very rare in the middle of January.

Your dad has recovered from his cold enough to visit again. He has been really sad to have missed you for the last two days but he’s back and happy to be visiting.

I missed visiting you for the first time last night as I had to be in St Anton to help get work covered. I was so sad but kerrie tells me the you were mostly sleepy.

I met with Jade, Anna and Ingo last night for dinner. It was really nice but are all so concerned about you but also some what relieved that you are recovering a little bit more each day.

Jade and Ingo talked more about your accident and Ingo also climbed down to get to you and they both stayed with you holding you still and keeping you breathing for an hour. Ingo says that the advice on the phone from the Mountain Rescue Team was amazing. Anna and I talked a lot last night about our futures and how amazing it will be. I can’t wait for it to begin after you are better baby.

I love you so much.

Me: Jade and Anna were the two other girls I was working with is Austria. They are both amazing people full of positive energy. They were also the other girls I hiked up the mountain with that New Years Eve to see the igloos that Jades boyfriend, Ingo had built.

The four of us sled back down the mountain that night with myself, unfortunatly not reaching the end. When they realised I wasn't with them, they searched for me and found me.

Jade and Ingo both had to climb down the side of the mountain to get to me, a place where they would have had to absail. Going back and seeing where I was found, I'm not sure how they managed to do that but I am so grateful that they did.

Initially I was sad but more so angry with myself that I had survived. As I have said in previous blogs, I felt like the person I was had died when I went off the side of the mountain and I was now in a shell of a person I didn't know.

I was very depressed and wanted to, at times, die.

Day 11

A: We are all just waiting to going in to see you again. I hope you’re more comfortable. All that all I want to do is to kiss and hug you today and tell you that you are safe. Won’t be long Sam.

I slept in our bed again with your pyjamas next to my head. I love smelling you. It’s like you’re here.

You are sleepy but you look so much better again. I think the drugs are slowly coming out of your system. You seem more comfortable. After I kissed your cheek, you reached out and touched my head and gave me the nicest stroke through my hair. You are really strong but it is frustrating I’m sure. At least you are progressing. I cannot wait to get you home.

Oh baby, this was such a good visit. You are giving me kisses and cuddles and you are trying to squeeze me with your with your right hand. Following your visit, we were all so happy. Your dad and Kerrie had tears streaming down their faces. Finally, we feel that you are getting there.

A lovely lady named Alex had her husband come back after 23 days. It is crazy. She explained that they have been together for four years and seven months and on the 11th of every month they go for dinner or he buys her flowers. When she said to him “I love you” he said it back for the first time in 23 days. Today is the 11th of January. I showed her this book you wrote Alex Haddow with the H being an 11. She broke down.

The emotion in your camp is still high following the love and affection you have been showing. It was so nice. It is amazing to witness the changes in emotion whilst waiting over the last 11 days. Families coming and going. Some so so sad and then slow steady changes as they begin to get well. I’ve never experienced anything close to the emotions that I have over this time and I never want to again. So much pain and distress combined with the most intense will for you to strive.

I have given every bit of energy to you. So has everyone. No one has ever given up, certainly not to my knowledge and you’ve shown us. You’ve definitely shown me. I've felt it. My feelings have mimicked yours. Our souls have joined forces. I’ve been insanely hot at night as the toxins have been leaving you. I've had pressure in my head with you.

Me desire has never faltered Sam. I just would not stop believing just like you haven’t.

This dark time is passing and we are starting to see the light. after you read this passage we will go for a walk through the woods and feel the sunlight on our faces through the trees. This moment will make us feel and intense surge of love and energy through our hearts. We will breathe a sigh of the relief and feel total comfort.

Kerrie: Looking forward to seeing you today and seeing how much you're progressing. last night was just me and dad that came to see you as Alex is sorting out another physio temperately to cover.

I loved having cuddles with you with me yesterday and you actually told me to stop touching your arm I said my name. It’s all coming Sam. you said you didn't feel it was going to get better but you will Sam. you’ve come so far.

One day will be able to look back at all of this and you'll see how strong you are and how much of a fighter you actually are. ENT are looking at your throat today as you are unable to swallow spontaneously. It will come. It will just takes time.

You’re communicating so much better. Managed to say hi dad and that your arm hurts, that you needed the toilet. I even got a hug again. oh Sam I do love you. I can’t wait for you to be better again. I love you.

Day 12

A: So this is what happiness feels like. Feeling you yesterday was incredible. When I asked you if you knew what happened, you said a little bit. This made me melt. Your innocent vulnerable little voice through all of this was like a light in the dark.

I cannot wait to see you today. I am sure that you will be even better.

The visit was tough today baby. You are progressing very well but are clearly quite confused and distressed.

I hope this ends soon. I'm exhausted and more importantly so are you. You say you feel like shit and are tired of this. I can believe you but like I said, I will never stop until this is fixed.

Me: I still can't really remember this but reading this back makes me so sad and its difficult to understand that this was me. It does feel like I'm reading about someone else. Its crazy.

Day 13

A: Today I am deciding will be a good day! Here I come samantha, get ready.

So our visit was good today although lunchtime was cut short as they were doing some tests on you.

This evening you really showed that your memory is strong but you are so exhausted that you are still somewhat confused.

It breaks my heart that you asked Kerrie where your mum was... Kerrie said "she’s up in heaven'. You said "oh yeah".

I don't think that i've met a kinder soul. Beautiful even in the most dyer situations. There was more talk about moving you to the rehab hospital but I still think this will be a week or so.

Last night after leaving I hit a new low. It was raining. I was worried about the logistics of the situation and how you were progressing. To top it off, my car was locked in tha car park under the shopping mall. I was also locked in after I rolled under the closing doors down the exit ramp. The police didn't help so I had to break out by firing up the barrier and I got another parking ticket today.

On the plus side you said some lovely things about me and you are getting stronger and brighter by the hour. Now you must rest up baby. Big day tomorrow. I will beam from my heart tonight.

Also you remembered Ingos wolf! we should get one. Love you so.

Day 14

A: I feel like I slept really well. I did have the most vivid dream. You were so strong in it and your right arm had recovered almost fully. I was so impressed with you. I hope so much that this comes true. I hope we get to see you properly today as you will have more tests and they will take time to do.

During our visit you were a superstar. Your speech is still improving and you are more active. You understand everything but it is clear that you are still having to really concentrate to understand. Also the drugs are still coming out. It’s tough for you.

It looks like we will get you into an amazing rehab facility in Hochzirl when you are ready. This was a massive cause for concern. I’ve been very stressed about it.

Your friends are still being very supportive but I’m not sure that they realise that you are in such a bad way. You are finally starting to look like Sam again. Although throughout you have been beautifully you. You have been almost unrecognisable due to your injuries and the drugs.

Day 15

A: Kerrie and your dad came to St Anton last night. They love the snow, kind of. It was great for us all to have a drink and not be so intensely focused on all of the hospital stuff. We walked down and had a coffee before driving back to innsbruck.

When I arrived, as if by magic, you were gone! Moved out of intensive care and onto a normal ward. Amazing, Sammy, you do not disappoint.

You were amazing. Such clarity of mind considering what you have been though. The drugs seem to be out of your body and your speech is so much better. You even said “I know I have a speech impediment, but it’s improving” Ha! We talked all afternoon and your memory is amazing.

You are even being sarcastic.

Unfortunately Kerrie will have to go home today. She has been so strong for you and I think this has changed her life. She has given everything she has to you over these last 2 weeks. I think that your relationship with her will be better forever.

Your dad and I are also breathing a sigh of relief, somewhat as your progressing in the last few days has been immense. You are a true warrior. You and I have started physio in your right hand. We are visualising the nerve signals travelling down your arm to give you grip. Its working.

I am so in love with you. I give my life to you Samantha. Sleep tight.

Day 16

A: Huge snow on the way in. I met your dad outside of the room in the waiting area. We sat and then you were brought to us. Your face originally looked so glum, then when you saw us your face lifted and pure joy washed over you.

You said “oh my god” as you had the most crazy dream about you were at your grandads. In his garden and you thought you were in England with German doctors. You expressed how you were so happy that it wasn’t true.

You asked us both if we were real but smiled and laughed when we both explained. You are so with it but not up beat. Today you have a lot of pain but you are confident that this is good.

I have had to come back to STA to organise Nikki to cover our work. I cannot stop talking about you. I am revealing everything that we did during training and my heart longs for you to be here but yet I feel so happy that you are with me in this world. It could have been so different. You are a miracle. It is a miracle. Happiness is definitely a pure feeling and has no bearing on relativity. I have never felt so much hurt and pain and panic and distress but I have felt such happiness which I thought would not be possible because of you. This confirms that we are meant to be. I’m never letting so. We deserve this.

Me: The moment of being wheeled back to the ward and seeing the 2 of them is the first real memory I have from the accident. I remember seeing my dad and turning round to my nurse and asked if he was really there because I hadn’t seen him in 11 years and knew he lived in Australia but he was. I knew I was extremely depressed and the moments of happiness I was experiencing was because I was put on antidepressants but it wasn’t covering the fact I still wished I hadn’t survived and I feel I was just putting on a happy front for people around me.

Day 17

A: The snow has been relentless and I am now on the train to Innsbruck. I am so excited to see you. I will probably run to you from the train. I feel like we are getting through this now. We have a long way to go but the sky is always up.

Sitting on the train was so nice. It gave me time to chill. Opposite was a really nice girl knitting. She had a really nice energy and 15 minutes before I got off she asked me where I was going and she wished me luck. She was really kind. I could tell she sent you a little bit more love.

Upon arriving both you and your dad were very down as you had horrible dreams again. I will do all I can with satisfying you with telling you the truth. You are in a dark place and you’ve expressed how you wished you were not here at times. This is so upsetting to hear but once we explained that you are a living miracle you started to show the Sammy Baynes spirit.

That incredible fight to get better for all of us.

Once again you were surrounded by beautiful nurses. The young girl Alexandra went home last night to learn more English ready for the morning with you. Angie the head nurse tells us how well you have done in just 2 days. They care so much and can feel your spirit and love that you carry.

We just helped you to sleep with Wislon Philips - you smiled and nodded off.

Samantha, another day done, another step closer. Keep going baby.

Day 18

A: Am back on the train after having the morning off. I actually went up the mountain as it was suggested it would help. Help ease my mind as the stress is pretty heavy at times and I need to look after myself.

It was actually quite nice but all I wanted to do was come down to see you. It's not the same without you here. I want a life with you. I want to share everything with you.

I can't help but think if I had made some different decisions earlier none of this would have happened. Including the life I once had back home and all the damage I have caused to those people.

I would not have it any other way ultimately but I would have done it differently. I should have managed the situation differently but I felt stuck and trapped when all I wanted was to come and be with you. To lie in bed with you right now. To feel each other is all I live for. I will long for it until it happens. I love you so much and cannot wait to see you again.

Once again Sam you surprised my expectations of resilience. Although questioning lots of things and being so hard on yourself. You stood up with me. We kissed. And you ate some proper food! Well a sandwich and chocolate.

These are massively significant steps. To feel your body lean against mine was beautiful. I am a happy man.

Keep fighting Sammy. You are doing it.

Day 19

A: I am sat at the end of your bed. Tonight I will leave this book with you. You have improved so much today. We walked/watzed. You cycled in bed. You ate tons of chocolate, 2 bananas, some sandwich and lots of yoghurt.

Day 20

A: You are so bright today. We showered and you are looking more yourself.

I can't believe you have been fighting for 20 days now. Amazing!

I loved helping you shower. Cleaning off all the chemicals. You are really beginning to look like yourself. So pretty. This morning when I got off the train the snow was falling like huge suspended, slow motion flakes. People were rushing by. Trains were pulling away. It was a real experience. I feel like the way I am living is a very strange way. It feels like life is truly happening to me. Even though all of this surrility (is that a word?) I'll never forget what we've been through. Unreal.

Your attitude changed so much today also. I think the days are settling down and you are more alert and aware. Your voice is returning.

We also laid together in bed and held each other. It was so nice. You put your poorly arm on my chest and your hand on my heart.

Day 21

A: I slept so well. I hope that you did also. Although I did get a text saying “I love you soy chai” at 3am this morning. I blame your left thumb.

I received the most amazing email from Verena. She cares so much and has had what appears to be the big break through during your stay there. See, you even affect people when you are in a coma! You will love reading it.

On my way now. I can't wait to see you.

You had so much done today and it clearly bothered you but you have yet again improved. I'm on the train back home.

The ladybirds appear again. This time outside the photography studio where the baby dressed as the ladybird had been taken down. I even whispered ‘the signs are everywhere’ again. I also said it to you earlier.

So another train journey for me to day dream about you and us, our lives and our future. So exciting.

It’s 2am. I can’t sleep. I’m constantly thinking of you. You are me and I am you.

Day 22

I am getting used to the train. It’s actually very easy. It gives me time to think and organise my life. Despite this dark patch on our lives Sam, I am so excited for our future.

What will we do?

Anything that we want!

I really felt your love yesterday. You are very drowsy but so affectionate and I loved it. You are smiling like you again. I can’t wait to see you very soon.

Samantha! What a shocking day. So it looks like you ruptured your c5 nerve root. This is bad but better than it could have been. It means you cannot move your arm but they can grow back and if not surgery can be effective. However this is a long process of recovery. I can’t believe that this has happened to us. Before we have even begun! However, my heart tells me that is is going to be ok. I’m really low and I wish we could go back in time.

Day 23

Trying to shake off my blues from yesterday. I ended up reading a lot about your injury. It helps having knowledge but it is also a bit worrying. You know what it is like when you only dip in research. It can be worse for our minds. As with all of this, we must focus on function and maybe, just maybe your body can be very clever and heal.

I am not sure what the chances are but we are going to throw everything at this. If there is anyone that can do this you can. The time frame with all of this is long. We are going to learn to be patient. It will test you and test us but that’s what we have to do. I want Sam back. I hope to continue to have the strength to carry on. To carry through the summer.

Day 24

Yesterday you were amazingly strong. you were very upset but with the explication of support you perked up and regained your fight Samantha.

I lost control. Following your Admittance of childhood abuse. I called him. He will never be a problem.

I missed the train this morning. I went to the pub and got very drunk. I needed to let off steam. I was so angry following yesterday and I needed to rid myself of all the bad energy. It’s done now.

I talked to you on the phone and loved it. I can hear your voice. We are going to do this.

Day 25

This was a good day. You can walk! I love you. I have to go home tomorrow to confront the life that I left and try to ease the pain that I have caused.

Give me strength.

Day 26

I had to come see you. Flying now. I love you.

Day 27

Straight off the plane I get to the hospital. You are noticeably brighter but this a combination of morphine which you have been free from for 2 days and another 24 hours of strength.

Your voice is so nice to hear when it comes through. Your walking is so much better also. Wait till you see the videos!

Day 35

Sam you can walk on your own! 2 days ago we were told the extent of your injuries, it’s going to be a long road but you can do it.


This is the end of the happenings being written for me in a book to help me understand what went on.

From then on, I blog about working on my recovery and my ever changing mindset. My first blog about the accident was written a month after and by reading it you can get an idea of how medicated I was....

Then a month after I came out of the coma I continued to blog as much as I could without it feeling like a chore....

I wanted to do this mainly for myself. To help me process my thoughts, feelings and understand my purpose and place in life.

The more I did it the more I realised that releasing those sometimes incomprehensible thoughts made everything seem so much clearer and helped with the recovery which I understand will be life long.

Also, not being able to work was really hard. I had lost the person that I was, I felt I had no purpose.

I started to realise that I was helping other peoples recovery and just general life dramas.

I hope I continue to do that.

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