I calIed this blog beginning again because that really feels like what I am doing, 'beginning again'. With the accident, I feel like I've lost a lot of who I am, who i worked so hard to become. What made me me took many years, different events and a lot of time, pretty much the whole 30 years. now, I'm trying to rely on other people and get used to the concept of time which is not easy. I have always been a very independent person. not always. As most people have, I've suffered with depression, social anxiety and the 'help' gene where I feel like I need to help certain people who end up in my life.
Before this happened I said for a long time that I was so excited to turn 30 and say good bye to my 20’s and the rest of my life. Difficult events seamed to never end. Being dragged up, mum and dad splitting up, mum getting cancer, dad moving to the other side of the world, relationships with people I chose that needed ‘fixing’, mum getting a number of different prognoses due to the changing location of the cancer, celebrating many events as ‘the last’ a number of times, trying to complete studies at university, mum dying and her husband marrying her nurse. A number of events I was excited to say happened when I was young and in my 20's.
Due to all these events and people I chose to have in my life, made me learn not to rely on anyone and be as independent as I could be. Just over a year ago I decided to move from the place that I called home, Bournemouth, and move to London. Yes it was hard but I met those people I've blogged about before, started to read about personal development, be healthy (monday to friday), have miracle mornings, join Reach Fitness, go to Morning Glory, a night club that happens in the day with no alcohol, instead yoga, and go back to Bournemouth some weekends to see friends and working as a physiotherapist. I can honestly say that after half a year in a different place doing different things I was the happiest I have ever been. I feel that I've lost that.
I can pretend to feel lucky because I'm still alive, I can still walk and talk, I still look like me but I dont feel like mysef and I dont feel lucky. I now have to get used to relying on other people, live with my sister, get used to timescales, not work as a physio which unfortunatly makes me bored, use my right hand as much as i can which doesn't work, not walk or speak properly becaue of the head injury. Writing this makes me so angry that this has happened to me but I suppose I can use typing about how I feel as therapy.
I've been back in England exactly 1 week. Back to my roots. Back where everything started. Theres a lot of different memories here but I am concentrating on myself. I have to. I've decided to add another section to my blog (to take up some time and effort) to document what I am doing to help myself recover. I want to start from the beginning, 2 and a half months ago when I was out of the induced coma and I can remember some things.
Being told things will get better but it's going to take time doesn't help someone who is used to things happening straight away. Lying down not speaking to anyone is the nicest thing at the moment. Not because i;m not doing anything. Lying down I feel the most like myself. I don't have to try and move, I don't have to try and speak and thinking is normal.
I feel that all the positivity that I worked hard getting is gone but at the moment, because of how I feel, I'm not doing anything to get it back. This is a promise to myself and anyone that reads this that I will start. I can't afford to loose my mind as well after everything I've been through and what I need to go through.