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Thinking is a good & bad thing

Positive thinking helps me a lot being in a position I can't change. Last week I had 2 days where I couldn't even think it was good still being alive. One day I cried about everything and anything and the next day I was angry about even the smallest thing. I'm surprised I'm not upset more really. Anyone would not be unable to cope. I can't speak properly, I can't walk well, my right arm might as well be gone because I can't use it how I should and I'm stuck in a hospital in Austria that feels to me like a prison.

It's far from a prison but I'm not used to being told when to get up or to go to bed because the night nurses will start in a bit or what to eat on a tray that's put in my room or being the only one who was born speaking English. Don't get me wrong I am glad I'm not in England trying to go through therapy, I've been a Physiotherapist, unfortunately I know what it's like for someone my age. I'm lucky, and thank you to the Embassy for what they have done and getting me here quickly.

Regardless of the positives I'm far from positive. I can't help but be negative about everything that I am going through. I try. I meditate, Listen to music, read, take part in therapy and look at the snow (those of you that know me know I love snow) but it doesn't change the fact that I am still here.

I have tried hard and it's better when I have so much therapy that I haven't got time to think. I would rather be asleep the whole time or death and I don't care how I sound.

Positive thinking gets me through the hardest times. I know that I am better than I should be and I'm getting better every day regardless of my arm. I can be recognised at least if that's a good thing :) I think of getting out of this place and actually living some kind of life that is my choice not because I'm being told to do something.

Unfortunately or fortunately before I try and walk or speak I feel normal like nothing ever happened. I can't even remember being in a coma. Reading about it makes me feel like I'm reading about someone else. Before I get out of bed I feel normal, that I can do everything but I can't. Feeling like I do must be a good thing. Feeling normal helps me be normal what ever normal is. Feeling like nothing is wrong must be good for me right? Feeling like nothing happened and that I am better than I am must help. Well I am going to continue to think that way. There is no other way to feel except wishing something that can't happen.

So I'm going to continue to feel like I do and wish I wasn't here but be glad of the therapy and other interventions I'm getting. Fingers crossed I keep improving.

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